The Realm - Adventures of a Newbie

John was sitting at home late one night, putting together the new computer he just got. The whole process was confusing to John, but he was excited to get his first computer set up and going. After crossing several cables more than once, he finally called someone to come over and set it up for him. He was amazed when his friend switched only two cables and had the computer running in seconds. He was also a bit confused when his friend seemed to connect his computer to the phone jack in the wall, and then connected the phone to the back of the computer. When he asked about this, his friend patted him on the back and simply chuckled "Good luck."

After shutting the door, John ran back to his new computer to see what wonders that magical box held. As John was pondering the wonders of the mouse, he spotted an icon that had him curious. He stared at it in awe for awhile and thought to himself, "I've heard of that! It's that online thing I hear people talking about and see on television. It's suppose to be real simple to use. I think I'll give it a try." John clicked on the mesmerizing icon and was greeted with a screen of instructions. He read them and then fumbled around for a credit card. Entering in the information he was prompted for and getting more excited with each step. Soon, he was finished and signing on for the first time as a new user. He looked with excitement at his new and creative screenname, John723495.

"Welcome. You've got mail!"

John looked at the screen with awe. This thing even knew when he had mail waiting! John got up and went downstairs to the mailboxes of the apartment complex he lived in. He opened his mailbox to find it empty.

"The thing must be broken," he thought.

John climbed the stairs to his apartment again and went back to the computer. A screen had popped up for him to read while he was gone. He read through the next set of instructions.

"Oh! There's mail on this thing too! My computer has mail for me!"

John clicked on the icon and read his welcome e-mail. He felt like the most important person online. John decided he wanted to find these Chat rooms he had just read about. He searched and searched, and finally found the Chat rooms. He opened a Chat room and read his screen. As his head started spinning from so many people typing at the same time, he got a private message.

BiBiFem: Hi John, A/S/L??

A/S/L? What in the world is that? He decided that it was a technical computer greeting and thought it best to answer the same way.

John723495: Hi BiBiFem, A/S/L to you too.

BiBiFem: You must be new. LOL

LOL? This is more complicated than John had imagined. It was time to confess.

John723495: Yes. I just got my computer today. This is all very confusing. Can you help me out?

BiBiFem: Sure. We were all new once. First, until you get to know the ropes, it's best to talk in ALL CAPS. People respect that and know it to be a sign of someone in need of help. Plus, as a new person, it's easier for you if you keep your CapsLock on. You don't have to worry as much about capitalizing and you can concentrate more on what's happening online.

John723495: THANKS! THAT'S A GREAT TIP! I'D HAVE NEVER FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ON MY OWN. ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW?

BiBiFem: Well, if you're in a room, every time someone new comes in ask A/S/L? Even if someone leaves the room and comes back that might have already answered you. A/S/L stands for Age/Sex/Location. Also, online, you ALWAYS tell people you are the opposite sex of what you really are. This is an important one. People are online because they don't want to be themselves. So we all take on a persona of the opposite sex. It's a blast once you get use to it.

John723495: WHAT ABOUT MY NAME THOUGH? WON'T PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW I HAVEN'T TAKEN ON A NEW PERSONA?

BiBiFem: Don't worry about the name so much, although you can create a new one to match your new persona. But as long as you keep insisting you're a woman, no matter what anyone else says, you'll fit in just fine.

John723495: THANKS! I WAS REALLY LUCKY TO RUN INTO SOMEONE LIKE YOU!

BiBiFem: Whatever I can do to help. Remember, if people start calling you a Lamer, you are in! Keep doing whatever it was that you were doing to get called that! Lamer is online slang for Loved AMERican. Along the same lines, Luser is online slang for Loved USER. Some people that aren't hip to what it really stands for still use Loser.

John thought about this for a moment. Although there really could be some computer slang out there, he didn't know if this was true. Suddenly he wondered about this advice, and the other advice he received from this BiBiFem person. Although, why would she/he lie to him?

John723495: OK? ARE YOU SURE? THAT'S A FAR STRETCH FROM WHAT IT MEANS AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

BiBiFem: I can understand your concern over this new and obviously overwhelming information and online protocol. I'll tell you what. I'll get one of my friends that works for the online service to contact you privately and work with you and any questions you might have. How does that sound?

John723495: THAT WOULD BE GREAT! I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU. THIS IS ALL JUST SO NEW TO ME.

BiBiFem: Not at all. Hold on; let me see if his shift has started yet. This may take a few minutes.

John723495: THANKS AGAIN!!

BiBiFem: No problem. Oh, and you need to use more exclamation marks to show excitement. It's hard to distinguish online, since we can't hear your voice. So fill the screen with them so we know for sure.

John723495: THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BiBiFem: Much better. :)

John723495: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO BE?

BiBiFem: What?

John723495: :) THAT?

BiBiFem: Oh that's an online smiley face or emoticon. My friend can explain those better.

John723495: OK.

John sat and waited. He was pretty excited. His first time online and already he was going to have a private instructor, from someone that actually worked online! He waited patiently by his computer for someone to contact him. He tried looking back in the chat room he was sitting in, but the scrolling text made him dizzy. This was going to be hard to get use to. John was just getting ready to attempt to his first voyage into the chaos he saw in the Chat room, when he got another private message. He was relieved to be talking one on one again.

NeWbIeKlLr: Hello John, welcome to Amateurs OnLine. My friend BiBiFem tells me you need some assistance with our online service?

John723495: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR TALKING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NeWbIeKlLr: No problem. She tells me you are well on your way to becoming a Lamer. Congratulations. Let me check our database and see what we have on you. Once I verify your information, we can talk more. We just like to make sure we have the right person.

John723495: OK. I DON'T KNOW IF I'M ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A LAMER, BUT I SURE HOPE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NeWbIeKlLr: Don't worry about that. You seem to be doing just fine. Ok, I checked the information, and it looks like we don't have anything yet. You signed up with Amateurs OnLine this evening correct?

John723495: YES.

NeWbIeKlLr: Looks like we haven't received much information on you yet. The computers on this end might be slow in processing. Or, it could be something else. Let me ask you this. Is the expiration date of your credit card in the year 2000 or after?

John723495: YES. I JUST GOT MY NEW CARD AND IT EXPIRES 03/01.

NeWbIeKlLr: That explains it then. You may have heard of some of the Millennium Bug problems, also known as Y2K or Year 2000 problems that computers are experiencing?

John723495: A LITTLE. I THINK A COUPLE OF GUYS AT WORK WERE TALKING ABOUT IT YESTERDAY, BUT IT WAS ALL TOO TECHNICAL FOR ME TO REALLY LISTEN MUCH. SORRY.

NeWbIeKlLr: That's ok. What happened is the computer on this end that tried to process your information deleted it because it thought you used an expired credit card. We're working on fixing it, but until then, we need to manually enter your information into the system. Luckily we caught it now, because if you had logged offline without talking to someone, you would not have been able to sign back on.

John723495: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

NeWbIeKlLr: Don't worry, I'm here to help you. I can enter your information from here. I'll need all your information again, sorry to put you through that.

John723495: NO! NO! DON'T BE SORRY! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME AND FOR FINDING THIS PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF I LOGGED OFF AND THEN COULDN'T GET BACK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED AND I'LL GET IT TO YOU.

NeWbIeKlLr: John, I'll need your password, full name and address, home and work phone number with area codes, and I'll need your credit card number and type of card. You've already given me the expiration date so I don't need that. Also, when you give me the password, make sure you type it exactly as you typed it when you entered it. I appreciate you trying to follow proper online protocol, but passwords are case sensitive.

John723495: OK. YEAH, I HAD THAT PROBLEM AT WORK. MY PASSWORD WOULDN'T WORK BECAUSE I TYPED IT IN ALL CAPS. I LEARNED MY LESSON ON THAT ONE!

NeWbIeKlLr: Whenever you're ready, John. I've got the database up and I'm ready to add you as a user.

John723495: MY PASSWORD IS John. NO PERIOD THOUGH. MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH. MY ADDRESS IS 123 ANOTHER ROAD SOMEWHERE, MN 55445. HOME PHONE 612-555-7825 AND WORK NUMBER 612-555-3685. CREDIT CARD NUMBER 0000 0580 9068 0000. IT'S A VISA. IS THAT ALL YOU NEED?

NeWbIeKlLr: That should do it. Give me a minute to process this information.

John723495: OK.

NeWbIeKlLr: Good news. You are now added to the database. Thanks again for the information, Lamer. :) BiBiFem told me what she covered with you. What else can I help you with?

John723495: THANKS! THAT LAMER AND LUSER STUFF IS GOING TO TAKE SOME GETTING USE TO. I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF WHAT IT MEANS AWAY FROM ONLINE.

NeWbIeKlLr: I know. A lot of the online stuff we'll be going over will seem confusing and somewhat strange to you. It takes time. You will get the hang of it. Don't worry, BiBiFem couldn't have turned you over to better hands. Everyone will call you Lamer when I'm done with you. I also put in the database that I am your contact. I'll look after you as best I can. But we don't get to keep set screen names like average users do. So we'll have to set up a pass phrase so you know it's me and not someone else trying to be me. Do you have a suggestion for this word or phrase?

John723495: LET ME THINK. HOW ABOUT TWINKLES. THAT'S THE NAME OF MY CAT.

NeWbIeKlLr: Twinkles. That's perfect. Ok, I have all I need from you John. What advice can I give you this evening?

John723495: WELL, HOW ABOUT TELLING ME MORE ABOUT THE :) THING.

NeWbIeKlLr: That's an Emoticon. It's another way of showing emotion online. Look at it sideways. It's suppose to be a smiley face. You'll see a lot of different ones being used online. Whenever someone uses one, it is best to tilt your head to the side, and leave it there for atleast 5 minutes. That way you'll not only see that one, but any others that might follow the original emoticon.

John723495: I DON'T SEE IT. OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT! I SEE IT NOW! THAT'S KIND OF COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT MY NECK SORT OF HURTS NOW. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO ASK YOU RIGHT NOW. IT'S ALL SO NEW TO ME STILL.

NeWbIeKlLr: Well, it doesn't look like BiBiFem told you the best way to ask people to privately chat to me. So I'll give you that clue and be on my way for the evening. Use "WANNA CYBER?????????????" to ask people to privately chat. This, along with BiBiFem's instructions on being the opposite sex, are probably the two largest things you'll need when talking online. Good luck Lamer! I'll check in later to see how you're doing and if you need more advice. I'll also let a few of my friends know that you're new and may need some guidance.

John723495: THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO NICE TO ME, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE YOU GO. I REMEMBER SOMETHING I FORGOT TO ASK BIBIFEM ABOUT. WHAT DOES LOL MEAN? SHE SAID IT TO ME AFTER ASKING ME IF I WAS NEW.

NeWbIeKlLr: LOL is computer shorthand for Lisa lOpez, "Left-eye". We're all big fans of the group TLC. You'll see a lot of people use LOL. We've all banded together to use it until the group reunites for the sake of all of their online fans.

John723495: WOW. THERE'S SOMETHING I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. I HAVE TO ADMIT I NEVER REALLY LISTENED TO A LOT OF TLC'S MUSIC.

NeWbIeKlLr: Don't let anyone online know that, especially if they seem to use LOL a lot. Those are the most devoted fans. They'll attack you on the spot. You're better off using it every chance you get. It's just safer that way. Well, I have to go help some other potential Lamers. Once again, welcome to Amateurs OnLine.

John723495: THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FOR THE TIP ABOUT LOL. THE LAST THING I NEED IS TO GET ATTACKED BY A BUNCH OF FANATIC GROUPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

John decides now is a good time for him to logoff. As it was, his head was swimming. Things are so much different online. He needed to sleep on all of this. He'll try again tomorrow. At least this time, when he signed on, he'd be more knowledgeable.

"Goodbye!"